Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Blocking the Light

It has been a quite a few days since I have written. Zack is well. And, thus far, no one else has been sick. Thank you all for your prayers.

I have to tell you that God really shed some light on my attitude yesterday. I ran into some old friends and it stirred some deep, buried emotions in me. A few years ago I felt that I had been treated badly. I won't go into any details, but to say it hurt me deeply is an understatement. I felt that God was leading me down a different path than the one I was walking. Some people didn't understand it nor did they approve of it, and they had no problem making it abundantly clear to me. I thought I had come to terms with it, but apparently not. I was still holding that grudge up to God and saying, "Remember how they treated me. It wasn't fair and I didn't deserve it. Why do they keep going on like they've done nothing wrong?" I didn't say it out loud, but my heart was screaming..."I want them to hurt like I hurt. I want them to be punished." I know. It's horrible. It's human. I am ashamed.

I carried that ugliness around with me until early afternoon. I began praying to God. I felt sick at heart, really sick. As bad as I didn't want to, I prayed for those people. I prayed hard. I cried. I sobbed. I hurt. I prayed to my Father, "I'm sorry. I don't know how to let this go. I don't want it to be there, but it is. I don't want to feel this way, but I do. Help me, Lord. Show me how to let go." My sweet, loving, heavenly Father spoke words of love to my spirit. He said,"Are you sorry for the path you chose?" No, Lord. "Would you go back and change the blessings you received because you obeyed Me?" Oh no, Lord! "Does it matter what they think?" No, Lord. "Do you love me, Daughter?" Yes, Lord. "Then forgive them. Do it for you because it steals your joy and peace. Do it for Me because it blocks My light from spilling out of your heart. Do it for Me because I love you and I want to use you for My good. No one deserves forgiveness. I sent my Son here for die for you. You didn't ask me to and you did nothing to deserve it, but I love you that much. I forgave you. They may never admit a wrongdoing. They may not ask for forgiveness. Forgive them anyway. Let it go. Let My Light shine through you. And Daughter, always remember, I love them, too." Oh, thank You, Lord, for reminding me where I could have been. Forgive me for being unforgiving. Help me to see others the way that You see them. Help me always to remember that You love them and they are precious to You. Because You love them, Lord, teach me to love them. Even when others don't acknowledge a wrong, help me to pray, forgive, and let it go. Help me to never harbor a grudge or feed a hurt with more emotions. Please help me always to stand on your Word and Your Word alone. I pray that Your Light will always shine brightly in my life. Thank You for allowing me to come into Your presence and bare my heart. Thank You for Your mercy and grace in my life. I am nothing without YOU. I love You, too.

The heart-to-heart with my Father took a little longer and that's not all He showed me about my heart, but that is for another day. I do have to tell you that though I still remember the hurt, I'm not dwelling on it. I have forgiven, just as the Lord has forgiven me. This morning I felt renewed. I felt like I was breathing a little deeper and stepping a little higher. Thank you, Lord. And, just so I wouldn't forget, He spoke to me again this morning. I was opening my blinds to let the sunshine in. I sat down on the couch with the laptop intending to blog about my lesson, first thing. However, when I sat down and looked out one of my windows to admire the sun coming in, I noticed my window was dirty. Instead of the sunshine coming through with all it's glory and warmth, it was tainted... muddied... shadowed. God said clean that window. Yes He did, and I cleaned. The thrill it brought me when I could see the sunshine beaming through that window, I could never express. It was warm and invited me to come and sit for a spell. God reminded me that my heart is like that. When I hold on to the sin in my heart, it may just seem like a little dust, but it won't allow His glory to shine through. A little dust can really block the Light. I am responsible for the condition of my heart. If I continue collecting the dust, before I know it, a little rain has come and muddied up the windows of my heart. Only the faintest light can get through. Oh, but Hallelujah, when I ask for forgiveness, God wipes my heart clean and shines it up for His glory! Honey, you just better get your sunglasses! I'm letting this Light shine! Ain't God good?

:) Becky


Barbara said...

What an amazing testimony. I know there are times I face similar situations where in my mind I wrestle with fleshly thoughts vs.
thoughts or attitudes I should have. Your testimony of God's love in helping you through it is amazing. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure others will be blessed by it as I have been.

Tracy said...

Wow, what a beautiful testimony, Becky. Thank you for so openly sharing that. Few things can challenge us more than old, difficult hurts (especially those we thought we had dealt with!) So glad you poured out your heart to the Lord and let Him direct your response to these feelings. I'm humbled by your example. May the window of my heart remain clean and clear so that His light can shine through in all it's Glory. Bless you, sweet one.

Amy Jo said...

Becky, What a powerful post! Thanks so much for bearing your soul. I can relate on so many different levels. Thanks for blessing me today! Sending you a great big hug from a new blog friend in Oregon! :-) Blessings & JOY, Amy